I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
