I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
