I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
