my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
