two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
