You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
