It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
