The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
