She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
