I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
