god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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