My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
did you just send me my own nude
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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