i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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