Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
