You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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