Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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