I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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