He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
