I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
