I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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