Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dear god my vagina.
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