After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
