I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
