True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
