Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
