I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
