I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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