i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
