I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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