Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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