No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
