I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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