Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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