the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
