if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
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