Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
