Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
