I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
