she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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