dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
