It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
