i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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