i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
