Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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