i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just invented taco cereal.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
