your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
