Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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