What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
