Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
