Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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