Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
