Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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