headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
These tits shall not be calmed
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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