Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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