I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
