Swine flu. Run for my life!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize